Not again 'mit Custah.. oh, that's another joke...

The smashing success of last year’s predictions (0 for 0; ain’t that 100%?) has forced me to do it again. As William Inge once said, “Kansas ain’t no ‘Picnic,’” well, neither will 2009 be. These things (gong!) will come to pass:

In an attempt to verify her claim that she has been involved in a long term romance with George W. Bush, a female White House aide, Nayla Postman Dayley, turns a stained dress over to the FBI for analysis. The stains turn out to be nothing but tobacco juice, mixed with traces of mescal worm and Clarence Thomas’s special barbecue sauce.

The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has one of his rapper friends write a song that he calls ‘The Bunghole Twins of the Repulsive,” about Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter that is sung to the tune of a traditional anthem and now contains such lyrics as “Man, I’s ha’ seed the sorry ass that comes from living large.” Michael Richards, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Andy Dick, etal, denounce the song as vulgar, racist, and tasteless when they receive their copy on Independence Day. In an uncharacteristic fit of repentence, the Reverend calls for a conference with Ellen Degeneres, Regis Philbin, and Michael Jackson (because they’re the whitest people he knows), who recommend that he go to rehab for treatment of his tendency to be black.

Eight month old Tess T. Rohn manages to fall out of her crib and on the way down snags her toe into the trigger guard of her dad Miles “Strawberry“ Rohn’s pistol, which he had momentarily placed on Tess’s Big Wheel, and on impact with the floor, the gun goes off and shoots Strawberry dead in the head. Tess is caught with her toe still on the trigger. She will be held in a foster home run by convicted pedophile, Hyme Loyerdup, until she is old enough to go to a juvenile facility to await trial for murder. In response to the ensuing outraged cries for gun control, an NRA spokesman says, “It’s not the gun that kills; it’s the baby. And if law-abiding citizens can’t have guns, only the 8-month-olds will have them.”

Maddona discovers the secret of life with the pactice of the Kabbalah and retreats from the world into a cave above the Dead Sea that costs her 100 million dollars to remodel. She will be accompanied by only twelve young male attendants. In her parting interview, she says, “Ikh hob dikh lib, mayn khev’reh!” to which one of the reporters says “We’re all verklempt, but aren’t you being a little ayngebildet, even for you?” to which she says, “Mayn du cyslemen zikh di mame-loshn, meshugener! Rats tsu ale!” and Mel Gibson who came to ask Madonna to forgive him for calling her a kike (or something that sounded like it), shrugs and says, “A dege hob ikh?”

In the tradition of transformational Oscar-winning roles by women begun by the fabulous Linda Hunt as “Billy” in “The Year of Living Dangerously,” Mariah Carey gains 100 pounds to audition for the lead role in “The Orson Welles Story” but comes in second to Oprah Winfrey who has to lose five pounds for the try-out. Mariah goes into rehab for an addiction to Twinkies and prednisone; Oprah starts doling out hybrids to members of the Academy.

In a stunning move, the “Big Three” car manufacturers move their whole operation to Bangladesh where the cost of building a car comes to $54. All shipping has been contracted out to a firm in Somalia headed by the now king Disole Bak Aneer whose profits from oil have disappeared at the current price per barrel of $2. In the U.S. President Obama keeps a promise to the UAW by unionizing the remaining auto makers and forcing them to make vehicles that only burn ethanol, thus keeping his other promise to “green” businesses. With ethanol going for $30 a gallon (and corn $1000 a bushel), refineries can’t make a profit so they quit producing gasoline. Automobiles fall below $50 apiece, and they are pushed out of car lots by victims of foreclosure who find them a comfortable alternative (if unattractive) to sleeping under overpasses.

Basing his economic mandates on the policies of Mitt Romney and Vlad Tepes, President Obama makes it obligatory that every American buy his own cemetery plot before he is of voting age and to insure it against flood and archaeologists—and disgruntled heirs seeking to exhume their mom or dad on suspicion of intrigues by ambitious step-parents—with an AIG affiliated company. As part of a three-pronged employability plan, college courses in tombstone design, grave landscaping, and snappy eulogy and epitaph writing will be offered at half-tuition to out-of-work real estate agents; with probation to ex-CEOs in drug rehab; and total free ride for basketball players.

The net continues to close in on Osama bin Laden. A massive task force has circled the woods just west of Newark, and when a reporter asks what the smell is coming from inside the woods, a young boy from the crowd of onlookers says, “It’s camels. There’s hundreds of them. And goats. I got a part time job milking them.” The FBI figures out from user information turned over to them by internet search engines that bin Laden and his cohorts might be surfing the porn sites. Osama is thought to be playing Texas Hold ‘em online using the tag “Four-Flusher.”

Mexico begins to build a fence along the border to keep Americans from entering illegally and taking the jobs that nobody else knows exactly what they are. Serial rapists, murderers, and embezzlers fleeing from justice will no longer have special privileges, since Mexicans now have developed a full capacity to create their own low-lifes.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton visits Baghdad and an Iraqi reporter takes off and throws his goat hair loin cloth at her in a news conference. Apparently it is a sign of great respect in Iraq to throw codpieces at visiting dignitaries. In the spring, when love is in the air, young Iraqui women have to scurry between alley ways to dodge the brown paper bags being flung at them by moonstruck Iraqi Romeos.

Happy New Year.

Noe.