The Book of Jerry Maya

In 1010, so sayeth the prophet:

● In a stunning medical breakthrough, doctors perform a testicle transplant on a California man who lost his in a skiing accident. The donor is a deceased sex offender who had himself vouluntarily castrated in 1972 to avoid a lengthy prison term and had his testicles frozen by scientists who believed they might come in handy someday. A month after the transplant, as a result of a much anticipated paternity test, the recipient is arrested for serial rape in several cold cases. As a consequence of DNA testing, nine black men and two Mormons are released from prison. When asked by a newsman what he was going to do now that he was free, one of the men, ninety-five years old now and serving a twenty year sentence already for shoplifting baby aspirin at the same time that the offense he was tried and convicted for occurred, says bitterly, “I’m gonna go to Disneyland. And f--k the first heterosexual I see.” Rush Limbaugh says, “We might have jumped the gun here a little.”

● In an Ultimate Fighting Championship match, James “Kimura” Korne goes to the mat in an incredible tangle with Collie “Flair” Eere, and grabs an arm and applies a twist to it— the hold for which he is nicknamed—and it is so vicious that he fractures it. But it is his own arm, and he submits himself! He has to tell Flair to lend him a hand and tap himself out on his own shoulder! In the greatest Solomonic decision ever inside the octagon, referee Felix “Frank” Furter, declares Kimura the winner.The crowd is so incensed that even Flair’s parents leave in disgust. Dana White rushes the ref and yells, “What the f---k made you come to that decision? I’ll have your license for that!” And Frank says, “Jimmy cracked Korne; and I don’t care!” Says Flair sadly, “My mother’s gone away.”

● Under pressure from the NRA, President Obama signs a national concealed weapons law. As a consequence, incidents of gunplay hit an all time low—but the casualties from pistol whippings surpass those from car accidents and heart disease. At a Starbucks, In response to a complaint from a rabbí that his latte cóchon tastes funny, the counterman tells him that there is a little bacon in it, and when the rabbi angrily reaches in his breast pocket to pull a handkerchief to puke in it, five customers draw guns and start blasting away. Passersby, viewing the mayhem inside, draw their pieces and join in. The firefight goes out into the street. There are two hundred and seventy-nine casualties, all from friendly fire. The rabbi escapes without a scratch. An NRA spokesman says, “If there had been more guns there, this never would have happened. That Jew was lucky. Some people just won’t arm themselves.” A representative of The Guinness Book of World Records waits and takes notes outside the ICU.

● Ammóna “Ruca” Peón, a Latina with dual citizenship, is forced to sell her estates in Mexico and the U.S. because of the economy, and petitions President Obama for a bailout, which the President grants. She is the owner of several banks in the Cayman Islands, and has been considered for a spot on the Forbes list. In answer to criticism that Ruca is the U.S.’s biggest importer of drugs and that her banks are laundries for drug money, Obama says, “To quote Ronald Reagan: ‘Well. There you go again.’ My legacy shall read, (pause) that my policies, (pause) are both culture and gender blind. A latino woman now sits on the Supreme Court. And the Chinese built an empire on laundries. How else can we infuse cash flow into a troubled economy, (pause) if we don’t have anybody to clean it? And if we, (pause) allow the trade in illegal drugs to dwindle, we’ll have to lay thousands, (pause) of DEA agents off. What kind of Americans, (pause) would that make us?” (applause).

● Susan Boyle and Keith Richards colloborate on an album which becomes an international sensation. They write the theme song, called “The World Needs Me Like I Need It” for the film biography of Janet Reno called, “I Fought the Law, and The Law Lost,” which, both the song and the film, are nominated for academy awards, and while performing the song at a Command Royal Performance, Keith falls asleep at the guitar and the screech from the tone control knob straightens out the frizz in Susan’s hair. The Queen is heard to say, “Are they British subjects?” The episode puts a bitter end to Keith and Susan’s partnership. Susan sniffs, “I took him to church, and he took his own bottle of wine to the communion.” When interviewed by Rolling Stone, Keith blows his nose into a white handkerchief that takes on a sooty look, and says, “th bi wen its hap omey! Ah roe ah theh gu so fa th ca, an ssh tur a me!. N o fa in wa I go na pu ah wi sshi la tha. Ah bra ma obahl th d pahee. I own nee at ska!”

● A friend of Tiger Woods sues Tiger for “alienation of affection", because he says that his boa constrictor won’t eat and just sits coiled up by the phone after one of Wood’s visits.

● An eleven year old seventh grader is caught writing “hearts and flowers” graffiti on St. Valentine’s day with a red crayola on the wall of his teacher’s classroom, and is expelled for life. In the ensuing battle for reinstatement between the mother and the school, the mother argues that it’s not the boy’s fault—that he’s just seeking love after being moved around to so many schools. A reporter, smelling a story here, investigates, and finds that the boy has had sex with every one of his teachers from the third grade on. Asked by the reporter what he was trying to put on the wall with his crayola, the boy says, “I was trying to say, ‘Mrs. Jones has a nice pudendum’.” The reporter says, “Why would you write something like that?” The boy says. “My fifth grade teacher said it wasn’t nice to use the “p” word.” And when the reporter says, “But pudendum is a “p” word,” the boy says, “Oh. Man, I can’t wait until I learn to read so that I can write a book telling other guys how to tell which teacher’s gonna be a bum f---k.”

●The legalization of marijuana has all but made road rage extinct in Los Angeles. The freeways go into gridlock for eight days while drivers chill out in their cars. The skyhigh demand for onion rings has brought the Mexican mafia into the market for Vidalias, and McDonald's french fries are being sold on the street for a c-note a pop.

●Oprah returns to TV with her show. Her first guests are Brett Favre, Lance Armstrong, and Kim Clijsters.

● In a dazzling remake of Frankenstein, James Cameron creates a modern age laboratory centered by the new version of Windows called “The Prometheus” and which infuses the monster with life- giving gamma rays trapped from the asteroid Apophis which Cameron, in colloboration with the Russians has deflected to a flyby through a gravitational keyhole over the earth close enough to throw sparks. The monster, played by the exhumed body of Leon Trotsky, awakens and says, “”Who the f—k threw that ax?” while Doctor Frankenstein, played by Snoop Dog, cries, “Man! It zizzlin’ like a thizzl’ thru’ a whizzl’! Man! It ’zizzlin’ like a thizzl’ thru’ a whizzl’!” The bride, played by the corpse of Carrie Nation dressed in Versace leather and chains, approaches the monster saying, “There’ll be no drinking in my house!” The monster takes his revenge on the doctor and his family by making them sit through repeated screenings of “Citizen Kane.” The audience is required to wear special lead-lined over-alls to the premier. The popcorn pops in the bag by itself close to the screen. The movie is nominated for twenty-five oscars, including one for best whore on the set, the leading contender being Ron Jeremy, who is an anatomy consultant for the picture, and says, “Man, putting a Trojan on something that’s been shriveled for a hundred years is the greatest challenge I’ve ever faced in entertainment.” The flick is rated “R.”

Noe.